the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
