If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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