While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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