Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
