We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I will pee on everything he values.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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