when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
