how can u be prego again
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
