why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
