I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
