You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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