Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I'm having to shit out rocks
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
