if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
