i would punch a child for taco bell
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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