do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
