Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
