I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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