i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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