I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I cut my penus on the lid.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
