i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Randomize
