Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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