the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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