I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
