at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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