If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
