well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
