Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
