Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
