I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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