I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
