i already hear my dad disowning me
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
