i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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