As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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