life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Randomize
