i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Sorry about my life...
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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