Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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