I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Sorry about my life...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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