i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Just pee around me
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
