It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
