i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
