I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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