So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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