someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
