I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
