he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
