Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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