would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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