Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
