BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize