I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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