never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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