We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
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