we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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